WHO WEARS THE PANTS

i was raised in a traditional mormon household, with a good father who led family home evening and an excellent mother who made pot roast and mashed potatoes for sunday dinner. it was a happy childhood- i am the oldest and the only girl- and my brothers and i laughed and fought and played and our favorite thing was always cowboy bed sleepovers in my room. blessedly, i was never raised with the idea that my brothers were more important or more loved or even with the notion that the man of the house was solely in charge of the house. my mother taught me that a patriarch was only a patriarch with a matriarch by his side.

when i grew up, i went to byu and signed up for a few women's studies courses- mostly because i was curious as to what about women one studied. our biological need for chocolate perhaps? or maybe something about how women are from venus? i was completely clueless that outside of my little house there was an ongoing battle for equality and respect and resources. it was new news to me, and i was quickly impassioned with it all. i devoured everything my women's studies professors taught, i discussed the issues with my female classmates, and i got a job doing research for the woman stats project- headed by the incredible feminist, {my first one!} dr. valerie hudson. i made a lot of bold, feminist friends, and i took notes on everything they talked about, everything they cared about. my mind was hungry and their ideas were thanksgiving dinner. i wanted seconds! thirds! they expanded my way of thinking and showed me a bigger world. dr. hudson birthed her babies in the bathtub- happily!- and lived to tell about it. she was the first person to ever tell me that a woman's body- my body- was a force of creation, a divinely intuitive temple, and that i could trust it to carry and birth sweet little souls without instructions from modern medicine. she was the first woman i knew who believed that she was the very best kind of mother when she didn't stay home full-time. these new ideas thrilled me, their confidence and intelligence was exhilarating. that was my favorite thing about these women- they were astoundingly intelligent. and ambitious. and ever so incredibly able to make a huge difference in this world. i told myself that this was exactly how i was going to raise my daughters, that this is the gift i would give them- the gift of feminism.

but that was then. now i find myself wondering if i'm even a feminist at all? most of these women i learned from, studied with, and wanted to raise my daughters to be like have {with a few exceptions} left the lds church. they couldn't find, within the gospel, the equality they were looking for, or the support to do what they were so ambitious to do. they couldn't reconcile the two truths. so then i am asking myself if it's possible to be, to truly be a feminist and a mormon too? can the two peacefully coexist within me? i haven't been able to get it off my mind for months now.

and then this whole pants thing shows up on the news and suddenly my exact thoughts are being thrown out into the open for public discussion. facebook discussions, of course, get heated, and women everywhere are suddenly up in arms on their respective sides. so i sat down to really ponder and figure out, once and for all, the answer for me. am i a feminist? do i want to wear pants to church? can i love my church, live its teachings, and also want things about it to change?

and since you asked, here's my answer.

we are all instructed- commanded even- to ask questions of our heavenly father, of our religion. it's in the scriptures to 'ask and ye shall receive.' no one is expected to accept the traditions and culture of the church and never ask if maybe there is something better. because sometimes, i do believe there is something better. there are age-old traditions that run deep in my church that have zero doctrinal standing and that do not give equal respect and value to the incredibly divine and very much equal role of womanhood. i don't think these traditions are divinely instituted- i think they have just been around so long, it's proving very difficult to change them. i believe heavenly father values and loves me {and all women} as equally as he does any man, and that in a perfect world, his church would {and someday, will} do the same. my heart is full of joy and hope for that day.

i also believe that no matter what questions or needs we women have, the answers can all be found within the gospel. not in our meetinghouses or our stake parties or our ward members, but in the doctrines of the gospel, the words of the scriptures, and that sweet blessing of personal, spiritual revelation- all the answers, all the support, all the value and respect we feminists are searching for can be found there. i can love my church, live this gospel, and look forward to small miracles of positive change here- because i believe that they are coming. i believe that there is a plan for all of us, women and men, and that it's a perfect, equal, and wonderful beyond our comprehension.

this is what i want to teach my daughters, this is my gift of feminism to them. you are intelligent and kind, able and powerful. you are beloved equally in your heavenly father's eyes. he has a plan and a marvelous purpose for you. ask questions. seek answers through scripture study and prayer. wear pants to church if you feel so inspired. know that the deep well of knowledge and equality you seek is here, at the Savior's feet.