5 things i'm afraid to tell you

i was really inspired by meg and her honesty in this post yesterday.

complete honesty has always scared me a bit. of course, i brave this fear with orlando and those i'm closest to because i know they love me, no matter what. but with everyone else, i get apprehensive. i fear judgement, embarassment, rejection, confrontation. this frustrates me to no end, i'll have you know. i've always wanted to be one of those brave, bold women who speak the truth and speak it with love- even when they're talking about themselves. one of those women, i am not {yet}.

in an effort {baby steps!} to face this fear, here are five things i've been afraid to admit.

1. i am a quitter. i have really big dreams- of painting masterpieces, writing children's books, opening a little chocolate shop, doula training, chopping off my hair.  i dream up every one of these things, and i can see myself doing all of them and LOVING it. so i excitedly begin to practice and brainstorm and scheme... but after a few weeks, i tire of practicing- whether it's painting, writing, studying or baking. i soon talk myself back into the regular everyday because it's easier and more comfortable. and i'm a succor for comfortable.

2. i love my curly hair. i used to curse these darn curls, they were the frizzy bane of my existance all through high school. then somewhere along the way, they somehow became my favorite {physical} thing about myself {though they struggle in this east coast humidity!} but i normally would never admit it because i really struggle admitting that i like something about myself. i'm ever the evader of compliments, and having to list something good about myself makes me uncomfortable. self-confidence is obviously not one of my strengths.

3. i am a terrible feminist. i had a mentor in college and she was incredible. she was a well-educated, strong woman, and i loved every word that came out of her mouth- she had one of the most brilliant, beautiful minds i had ever encountered. from her came my introduction to feminism and i ate it up like candy. i wanted to think like her, to see the world like she did. for the year i worked with her, i soaked up every idea and mantra and when i graduated, i tried to take it all with me. but the 'traditional' thinking of my upbringing has prevailed and i often find myself thinking very un-feminist thoughts, or accepting things the way they are, or ascribing myself to a very strict gender role- all things dr. hudson would probably not be proud of. outwardly, i declare myself a feminist, but inside my head, really i am not. i have long been wanting to find a way to reconcile the two, but have yet to figure out how.

4. i have a board on pinterest dedicated to healthy recipes i will never make. i do not want to eat healthier. i will probably never willingly eat healthier. i care about my body and i do want to treat it well. i love fruits and vegetables, drinking lots of water, and i make myself exercise. but i draw the line when it comes to giving up what i love to eat. men are that they might have joy and really good food is one of this life's greatest joys, in my strong opinion. so bring on the ice cream and the cheesecake and unlimited guacamole!

5. i still feel like i'm that really uncool girl from high school, wishing and wanting to fit in with the popular crowd. i'm surrounded by amazing friends who have qualities and talents i only dream of, and all the blogs i read showcase women who are prettier, more talented, better dressed, better versed, and more successful. most days, i feel like that girl who's begging to be included but has nothing to bring to the party. it's another one of those things about my self-confidence {see #2} i need to work on.

there i said it!
now tell me, what are yours?