LITTLE BEAN

on december 7 i would have been 10 weeks pregnant.

we were so excited our 'little bean' was coming. we told luc he was going to be a big brother and he started kissing my tummy whenever i pointed to where his little sibling was growing. i was craving sweets {especially chocolate. mmmm, TOBLERONE!} and napping everyday when luc napped but other than the tiredness, i felt great. i started keeping a baby/pregnancy journal, just like i did with luc. i had a dream that little bean was a girl, we excitedly announced it to our immediate families, and we couldn't stop talking about what to name her/him. we were thrilled to have another sweet spirit on their way to join our family.

on december 6th, i started bleeding lightly {no pain, no previous indication that anything was amiss} and called the doctor in a panic. she reassured me that everything was probably fine, but offered to get me in for an ultrasound so i wouldn't have to worry all weekend. my first dr. appt. was scheduled for monday the 9th, so we hadn't checked on this baby at all yet. i agreed out loud with the dr. that it was probably nothing, but my heart was heavy. i told myself to be positive, but i think on some level i knew something was wrong. i started shivering like i was freezing, even though my house was warm. i sobbed when i had to call orlando and tell him what was going on.

he hurried home and we went over to the hospital for the ultrasound together. the dr. and ultrasound tech were incredibly kind, but the silence in the room as they watched the screen weighed a thousand pounds, and i could feel myself buckling under it. i shivered through the entire thing, unable to keep my body from shaking. when they put the image up for me to see, i knew instantly that our baby was gone. our baby was gone. there was no cute little gummy bear floating around in that dark sac, just a few clots and lumps of tissue where a baby should be.

the dr. said that from what she could tell, our baby had stopped growing somewhere between the sixth and seventh week, and that my body had started to break everything down, preparing for the natural process of cleaning it out. she said it is unfortunately very common in the first trimester- if the embryo doesn't have all the chromosomes needed for whatever reason {usually unknown to us}, it simply stops growing.

it took three weeks for my body to register that it was no longer pregnant. for three weeks we planned and dreamed and loved a baby who was no longer here. that's the thing that kills me the most. that i didn't know when she/he left. a mother should know when her baby is gone. a mother should know. even though i know there's nothing i could have done about it, i feel like i should have at least felt that little spirit leave.

…

we are ok. sometimes we get distracted and it feels lighter, and then sometimes it all comes rushing back and the grief feels sharp and brand new. i am tired and achey and sore so there's been lots of resting going on. luc seems to sense that mama and papa need some extra love because he has been an angel, smiling and blowing kisses and making us laugh. i'm so incredibly grateful for that little boy, for his amazing, sweet spirit, for the joy he brings to our home, even on sad days.

i'm so immensely grateful for orlando too. i'm grateful for what a wonderful father he is. he has mourned our loss just as much as i have and i'm grateful to have him by my side through this. he gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing the night we found out and it has given me immense comfort and a greater understanding of our Savior's atonement. i'm grateful that we aren't alone in this. i'm grateful to know that Jesus Christ walks with us.

there's no revelation on what happens to the spirits of miscarried babies. so this isn't doctrine, but it is my hope/wish/belief that our little one will get to come down again, that this wasn't their one chance for a body here on earth. if that's true, and it is my deepest hope that it is true, then this isn't 'until we meet again, someday in heaven' but instead 'soon you'll be in my arms and i'll kiss your face and say it was worth the wait.'

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little bean baby journal, final entry
december 7, 2013
My angel. We found out yesterday that you won't be coming. I knew you were gone before we even got to the dr. office for the ultrasound. They said you stopped growing almost three weeks ago, so you actually left awhile ago. I wish I had known it then. I wish I had missed you right when you left. A mama should know when her baby is gone. A mama should know. 
I only carried you for a few weeks but you're just a much mine as Luc. I am yours and you are mine, always always. I hope you get to come again. I hope I get to hold you and kiss you and watch you run around with your big brother. No matter what, your papa and I love you so very much.