LIVE WITHOUT PRETENDING

i read an essay once entitled 'live without pretending' and the mantra of living life in real time really stuck with me. i liked the idea of embracing the chaos and mess and trials along with those brilliant happy moments of life, and letting yourself and the world see it all for what it is- no shame, no embarrassment, just truth and understanding and a cheerful acceptance of everyday life as it is- wonderful, dirty, fun, boring, hard and happy.

this is not to say that i've mastered this way of thinking. i feel like a failure when my house is messy or dinner is burnt. i get embarrassed when i realize we've left the house and luc's clothes are filthy. i look at other's blogs or instagram pictures and wonder how their lives are somehow so much more glamourous than mine. i am amazed at anyone who manages to accomplish anything more than the day-to-day mothering and homemaking tasks that are endlessly on my to-do lists.

and yet, i love my day-to-day life and wouldn't change much about it. i guess the thing i want to change is the way i think about it. i want to learn to stop comparing, stop judging, stop feeling judged. i want to live without regrets and remorse. i want to be honest and say 'this is hard. i don't want to be anywhere else in the world right now, but this is hard.' and sometimes i might even want to say 'i wish i were in italy right now!' just as long as it's the truth.

i was talking to a good friend recently and we were wistfully looking through pictures of another friend's adventures in china and all over asia and i was wishing that my life were as cool as hers, that i was traveling the world and having these once-in-a-lifetime experiences. i was feeling all sorts of jealous, when a sleepy luc crawled in my lap and nuzzled his tired head in my neck, his chubby little arms holding me tight. and right then i broke down in tears at the thought of trading that ten second moment for a trip around the world or a new wardrobe or a big house or anything else i get jealous of from time to time.

it's easy to remember that you love the ups and downs of your life when the baby is sleeping sweetly or when you've had a great day full of laughter and story time and big slobbery kisses. it's harder to remember when you're scrubbing the sticky high chair for the umpteen millionth time that day {by far my least favorite chore}.

and therein lies the challenge- to embrace all moments, to see value in the mundane, to be honest and let others be honest. to understand more than we judge, to love more than we don't, to feel like our daily efforts are worthwhile.

to look past the dirty laundry and see the joy.