i came to the realization yesterday that for years now i have been living with an incredibly false illusion of what stay-at-home-motherhood is going to be like. all this time, whenever i was feeling particularly stressed or busy or life was getting hectic and off-balance, i would tell myself that it wouldn't always be this way- that someday when i got to stay at home with a teeny baby, i'd have all the time in the world to read scriptures, clean my house, try fancy recipes, and craft up a storm.
then i got pregnant and suddenly reality- not my lovely imagination- is staring me straight in the uterus. which has been particularly rough this week, as i've been feeling like i'll never find balance in my life ever again. for months i've been sleeping and slacking and though i know its all for the greatest cause in the world, it's left everyday life in shambles a bit. house is a mess, dinner = anything microwaveable, and everything extra has completely fallen off the truck. it's only just been the last week or so that i've finally felt a little energy come back- only to find myself completely overwhelmed by all i want to do and all i should do.
yesterday, i tried my classic 'this will get easier when you can stay home with a baby' pep talk and it hit me- it won't! it will be better in a thousand million ways, but easier or less busy? don't count on it.
at first, this parcel of truth may or may not have given me a mini stress attack. but then i realized that it's less about having more time and more about making the most of the time i've got.
balance, that's the ticket.
that's my new years goal- this year, i want to find that happy place in which i can best balance everything most important to me. some things i may have to let go, but the most important ones, i'm going to knock out of the park.
welcome 2012!
19 minutes ago
I can remember a couple weeks after having McKeltie, I dropped a fork on the ground. And that fork stayed on the ground all day long, because there was not a single minute of the day when I had the time/energy to bend down and pick up that fork. That was my moment of realization that things weren't going to be "easier." You're busy all the time, but it's a different kind of busy. Orlando will probably come home and say "what did you do today" and you won't be able to come up with a definitive list of things you did. All you can say is "your child is still alive. That's what I did today." And it really did take all day to keep that child alive.
ReplyDeleteI laughed to myself a couple of times here. I remember right before Claire was born I asked my mom, "What in the world am I going to do all day?" She just laughed at me and told me that I was going to feed the baby, then change her, repeat....repeat. SQUEEZE lunch and a shower in there somewhere. In my head I didn't think that feeding and changing a baby would make my so short on time that I had to squeeze things in. You absolutely do. Between the feedings and changings there are those tender moments of holding their sleeping body in your arms falling in love with them with every second. Your sleepless eyes are yearning for darkness, but you can't let the moment pass. Before you know it, they wake up. There goes your shower, nap, and lunch time. It's a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think balance is a must not only as a human being, but especially as a wife and mother. That is why I do a menu. That is why I write down my daily tasks. That is also why I leave the kiddo with Brian for an hour....so my house can get destroyed and he can then have the understanding of why I cleaned so hard that day and had nothing to show for it. Luckily the house ALWAYS is more of a disaster with Brian, so at least he knows that I do something. :) There isn't always something to show for it....but that's why God gave us cameras. Yes, I have cleaned a room and taken a picture....as proof. :) Then the hurricane blows in.